It’s 10,000 B.C. I’m a caveman who talks to himself and has super powered eyesight to see crafting materials. All of the rocks and twigs I need to gather look the same. The eyesight is sort of a waste.

There’s a big mammoth in front of me. A multitude of mammoths, actually, but only one matters. My tribe is on a hunt. We’re hungry and crouched all stealthy like. When the time is right, we attack. The big furry thing is dead quickly. Then we’re attacked by a sabre-toothed tiger and everyone is dead but me. I’m alone. Good thing I know to talk to myself. “I need to build a fire.” Why did you/me say that out loud?

My world is like an amber and green Bob Ross painting – only the trees are unhappy. There are wolves, more mammoths, angry goats; none of these mammals can stand one other. As a hunter, my first task is to kill three goats. Even in pre-history, the rule of three is a dominant fixture.

One of the goats dies after I shoot it in the butt. From another, I earn 20XP for a headshot. Even though I began by fighting the mammoth with spears in my hand, I cannot actually craft spears. The XP will help. Headshots help me make spears faster somehow.

There are now tracks to follow. They lead in the water and out of the water. On cliffs, off. The walking is going to be ceaseless. Roland Emmerich’s 10,000 B.C. had a lot less walking. That movie was stupid. Now I’m talking to myself.

A tribal woman is in front of me. She’s named Sayla. Those were her tracks I followed. I try the, “it’s behind you” routine, but even in this period of human existence, it doesn’t work. It should of. She’s attacked by the sabre-toothed, the same one from earlier, I guess. Because I’m a man in a video game, I rescue her. She takes me home. Her wounds seep blood and she tells me to find four green leaves. I step outside of her cave. There are approximately 2.8 billion green leaves in my view.

A digital HUD tells me exactly where to go. Whew. 10,000 B.C. had GPS, or maybe it’s the Superman-like mega vision. Far Cry Primal doesn’t make it clear. I’m walking again, wondering about that new Superman movie. Superman would just fly to his location and I’m still walking. I’m not Superman, and I couldn’t beat up Batman either. Not enough XP.

Up ahead are some other people. My caveman mumbles something into the subtitles about flesh eaters. “Cannibal” isn’t in the dialect yet. I spend a half hour sneaking around, collecting leaves which are highlighted red. Wait, weren’t they supposed to be green?

The other men are dead now. More bow & arrow headshots. I still can’t make a spear, but I’m a survivor. It’s time to walk again. Sayla’s been bleeding for about 45 minutes. When I arrive, I sense the conditions would be the same if it took me an hour, or two, or three to get back. Once cured, Sayla tells me to find Tensay. She doesn’t say where he is, but that’s okay. I have a HUD.

I’m walking again. 10,000 B.C. is damned boring. The sound design of this period is nice though. Atmospheric, certainly. Some goats run alongside me and I heard them coming. Should I headshot them for XP? Nah. In due time, I’ll learn to make the spear I knew how to make earlier.

Tensay is hidden in a cave on a mountain. It’s a pretty view from his front door. However, if his mannerisms and actions were captured on a Vine, he’d be blasted all over social media for racial intolerance. But it’s a few years until Twitter and outrage is a thing. Tensay gives me a cup of something. I drink up, even though everything in this place appears to be rotting. I’d say out loud this was probably the first Arbys location, but he wouldn’t get the joke.

Now I’m tripping on pre-historic LSD. Thanks, Tensay. Golden animals are everywhere. I have to chase a certain one because these bad acid trips are quite specific. Suddenly, I can fly. Flying is pretty and I’m Superman. It lasts about five minutes. There was no reason to last five. Two would have sufficed, but everything here is bloated beyond necessity.

When I come to, I have an owl. I can train them, too. Holy shit, I’m Harry Potter. Is that better than Superman? Probably not. Tensay says to find a wolf, so I’m walking to find stuff again.

My cell phone pings me. Ooh, a Buy 1, Get 1 free coupon for IHOP.

Maybe I’ll walk to IHOP instead. I have enough XP to eat crepes. I’m a survivor.

2/5