Coffee Crisis stars two panicked millennial baristas. Aliens came to Earth, but not to abduct people. Worse: They want our music and coffee. That’s disastrous.

It’s not only aliens. Coffee Crisis finds the pair fending off old people and country music-adoring conservatives. Everyone tries beating millennials down in Coffee Crisis. This is not a world meant for this generation – or at least the indistinct parts of Pittsburgh where Coffee Crisis takes place.

The soft satire meanders. The caffeine-addicted duo munch on coffee beans for health. Between levels, mini-games become a chugging contest of who can consume the most lattes. Weapons include samurai swords (because of course) but also coffee cans and sacks of beans.

No one is on the protagonist’s side. Nick and Ashley brawl in the streets alone, fending off the invaders and those who look down on them. Old men poke with their canes and elderly women stab the air with their walkers. Well-dressed conservative men use their fists, beating up Ashley in her torn yoga pants and Nick in his work apron.

In a sense, Coffee Crisis has enough wit to pass. The sense of comedy helps alleviate the grating, limited action. Coffee Crisis lacks the effusive energy of the golden era beat-em-ups it’s riffing on. Listless collision and the feeble range of a coffee pot attack requires a close-in approach to fighting. So rarely does Coffee Crisis feel fair.

Designed and Kickstarted for the Sega Genesis initially, the 16-bit throwback is an inessential revisit on a platform rife with high-class beat-em-ups. The PC is just as crowded (including re-releases of those Genesis gems).

3/5