There was a charm to Final Fantasy VII in its original form, where angular characters that looked like (out of technological necessity) angular papercraft wandered worlds that from above, looked almost delightfully miniature. There was style, aesthetics, and handmade texture spilling an obvious teen-focused climate/capitalist allegory from, appropriately, videogaming’s late teenage console era.

This remake turns this fantasy world into an awkward reality. It’s no longer unique or distinctive or pleasing. It’s a bunch of familiar grass lands and characters running around on yellow birds that look credible rather than like pudgy, recognizable cartoons. So much for the visual side of fantasy; now there’s a realistic Big Bird to drive around.

Final Fantasy VIII Rebirth isn’t awful, but it doesn’t have reason to exist. Much of the attention is placed on extending the narrative to eye-rolling length, as if a flashback to explain the villain’s obvious motivations somehow needs to be told over three hours rather than a two-minute flashback. While Final Fantasy VII may offer character depth (but not the women with their stereotyped gentle, kind, bubbly-eyed anime personalities), the blunt parable about a planet’s life force slipping away due to armed corporate profiteering has left about as much impact on Earth’s actual climate crisis since 1997 as the crying Native American did in the ’70s. Which, given the current weather trends, seems like next to nothing at all.

2/5